The week that was.

A weekly round-up of events that make news can suffice to spill over an MS word page, which when splattered across the blog would entitle the author a much needed sigh of relief and a non-blogging-guilt-free pass for over a week or two. :)

This past week, our very own Force-Indianized Kingfishi-chella earned himself and his team a podium finish, (which caused considerable beer-logging on the roads of Bangalore, near the Mallya residence especially). And there were some nitpickers who smelled hardly anything Indian about the victory, claiming it’s the Italian driver who has done it for the Force India team.

Ha! Talk of Italian drivers. Morons who do you think is driving our country for the last five an half years.

And when MS gill was asked what does the future of motor-sports in India look like, in the wake of this momentous victory. His curt response was:

"WTF-1".

No mincing words.

The big shocker of the week was the AP CM YSR's sad demise. No fooling around with this piece of news folks.

Our correspondent Quick gun-Ajay devgan has reported a Dosa - Saambhar story : Pak trashed the Indian Dossier on 26/11, following which the mood at the Indian embassy in Pakistan was Sombre. Now he expects us to giggle at that, paah adaa paavi!

Following a sizzling news story at office can be fun as well as highly rewarding, a hard fought cricket match, a missing CM, an ongoing terrorist strike. In most of these cases the bosses are the most ill-informed of the lot, and here is the chance for the alert rookies,( who are dead determined to break the news to their managers) to win some brownie points. Despite people having PCs at their respective seats, 3-4 people have to huddle around one monitor, to read about a developing news story. The radio-commentary-camaraderie of yore. The bosses eventually get sucked into it and casually ask about the development, this is when all of the employees who were hitherto arming themselves to the teeth with the news-fact-ammunition, shoot their arrows towards their boss. The winner is the one who presents the most startling and invigorating account of the event laced with unheard of factoids. Example-

Boss (to the huddle): "Have they found him, the CM ??" (Thought bubble : Let me show them my human face...for the timebeing)

Emp1 : (grabs the opp) "No sir, apparently the helicopter had crashed, while it was heading for chittoor in some forest named Nala...Nala...

Emp2 : (Jumps in) Nalamalla forests and the names of the pilots were S K Bhatia and captain M S Reddy. The helicopter's name was Bell-430 about 10 years old and...

Emp3: The area is dense and infested with tigers and the chenchu tribes, they are one of the most primitive tribes in india, their history dating back to...

Boss : "Have they found him, the CM ??"

and then irrespective of the answer he gets, he makes an all-encompassing statement about the incurable rot in the system and moves on, which leaves all the three employees vigorously nodding in approval.

(each employee's thought bubble : "The other two assholes are bloody leaches, nevertheless the boss looks impressed with my alertness")

So until next time, learn the art. :)

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Swines and technology

When I was a small kid, I read in my Colorful English grammar textbook that an example of an Exclamatory sentence is :

"Hurrah! we have won the match".

In my 18 years of conscious existence, iski sibling ki, kisi ko "hurrah" bolte naa suna. I mean hmpfff.

Hi there, it has been a long time since I scribbled something non-bulleted at this space, the kind of points which describe the kind of people - for an instance - who are ear-plugged to Ajay devgan's movie songs in office, while playing it so loud, that the "Naa kajre ki dhaar, naa motiyo ka haar..." song spills over to 10 cubicles around, from their miniature earplugs. No wonder you have to fire a cannon-ball to catch their attention. haah!

Enough of segregating people with a FB-quiz-sque mindset, I mean c'mon I am/could be one of them as well. And no points to the person, who wants to remind me that the song "Naa kajre ki dhaar..." song is not from an Ajay devgan movie. hmpff!

Look around you, the world has changed since I last posted here. Look at that Bolt fellow, people say he should wear a license plate on his arse, and should be given a fair chance of oiling the cops, lest they nab him for speeding. If he plays cricket, he should be made to stand on the square leg boundary, and he'll still be able to pull off those bat-n-pad catches. Talking of cricket, the kangaroos, with their tails firmly between their "asses"(ha!), have hopped back to their den, to assault the poor Indian student whose English is as good as your Spanish. Green card chaida tainu!

And the other big news story causing 'news-breakage' once too often on 24x7 news channels, is involving the turmoil within a national party, whose top leaders take turns in rubbing life in to the 'Jinnah of the lamp', who in turn, ironically grants wishes only to their political opponents.

"Jas want to say I am not shourie".

Yeah they just want to say they aren't apologizing for what they have said, and why should they. Hmpff.

Besides on the personal front, life has become sedate, weekends are hectic and the gruesome-weekdays oxymoronic. An efficient work-drainage system has to in place before the work-monsoon arrives and causes work-logging on my way to a timely exit from the office on weekdays. You don't need any drainage if you stay at a higher altitude. You know what I mean.

In other news, our very own square-jawed George-clooney - Ekta chaudhary dint make it to the final fifteen of the Miss Universe pageant, for reasons mentioned at the beginning of this sentence. A miss universe makes news only twice a year, once when she is crowned the title and the other time when she is crowning the new miss universe; rest of the time, her name remains an answer of a GK quiz question of reasonable difficulty.

The spread of Swines and technology has jeopardized the survival of mankind, or at least this is what, you know WHO, makes us want to believe. After a swine-flu hastened death recorded in my lane where I stay and 5 confirmed cases already detected on the same floor as I work, I still am optimistic, coz people say I am a swine and just need a day's rest to recover.
The panic situation in pune is so bad that people are being robbed on sneeze-point. (Gun-point is passé'). People are wearing space-suits to multiplexes, and even shahid kapoor is pronouncing 'Slu' as 'Slu' only!

Enuf of bakwaas, go watch/do shaktiman with shahid!

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The kind of people who are around you!

(Caution : Extreme sarcasm ahead)

Who forward ppts about philosophy of life and happiness as email attachments, with lots of pics of kids and flowers.

Who use the word- "did" followed by a past tense form of any verb in sentences, they speak/write. For Ex- "I did not went there yesterday".

When they press the 'enter' key after typing some lines on a chat window, the Enter-keystroke can be heard within a radius of 20ft.

Who hope that they don't stumble upon any known face, while they step out of the office lavatory. These guys wear an apologetic look on their faces and are trying to communicate with their body language : "Dint get time in the morning yaar!!".

Who act as if they are searching for their friend in the crowd, but actually are checking out a particular girl. The girl is completely aware of the fact, contrary to the belief of the gentleman.

Who hope that any of their friends gets tagged in some random album so that they can run through the entire album, searching for pretty sights.

Who post stuff on their blog, and go to the extent of tattooing the link of the post onto their bodies to bargain for an appreciative comment or two.

Who always claim their credit limit is maxed out, and so you have to book the movie tickets from your card for the group/that particular person.

Who indulge in urinal-dialogues, that is talking to the adjacent urinal occupant while taking a piss, which irritates you to no end.

Who write their profile names on orkut/facebook in Capital letters.

Who make it a point to stash away some 45 chilly flakes and oregano sachets when they order a pizza.

Who often keep their cellphones in their shirt pockets.

Who write ROFL / LMAO/ ROFLMAO without actually knowing the full form.

Who use the same Bisleri pet bottle for two years to store and drink tap-water from.

Who keep the phone at a 45 degree angle with their ear while talking.

Who play Orkut game applications and get excited after a high score which they publish gleefully.

Who mull over calling back that Nigerian businessman who has offered them to part with his cash, for a little help.

Who recommend "You can win" by Shiv kheda to random people.

Who hail Chetan bhagat as the best thing to happen to Indian literature.

Who post word-art(for ex- A guitar made of hashes and asterisks) as orkut-testimonials to friends.

Who don't know how to react and what to say, when some-one thanks them graciously.

Who look away from the camera while posing for a shot, when they are wearing Aviators.

Who have secretly clicked the "Unlike" button on Facebook at some point of time.

Who actually click on the Google ads.

Can u add more....

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27 vital stats you must know

1) 67% of the self righteous elderly gentlemen believe that farting should be banned at petrol bunks citing it as a precautionary measure.

2) 57% of the youngsters do fart at petrol bunks after relieving their bums from the pillion seat after a long ride.

3) 81% of the old folks talk considerably loud while on an STD call.
4) 81% of engineering students talk loudly anyway.

5) 7.5% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss national politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

6) 0.0075% of the people from the 18-25 age-group discuss State politics while in a coffee shop. (say CCD or a Barista)

7) 65% of the people use their mobile-phones as a timepiece.

8) 73% of the boys who are wearing goggles look around pompously for any beautiful girl who's checking them out.

9) 58% of the people haven't completed reading Fountainhead/Atlas shrugged despite years of hard work put in.

10) 76% of the 14-24 Age group men still giggle seeing stray condom packets on the sidewalk or elsewhere.

11) 91% of the engineers have absolutely no idea as to what does an HR professional do in a day's work.

12) 87% of the 18-25 Age group people get excited seeing a vehicle bearing their home-state's license plate.
for example -: Upon seeing GJ-01-6789 "Ey ghel-chodyaaa!!!!"

13) 93% of the people belonging to the 20-30 age group use the words "Autowaalas" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

14) 89% of the people who refer Google maps before heading for an un-chartered territory or destination get terribly lost in their way.

15) 77% of the young men after washing their hands wipe their hands clean of water by gloving their hands in their respective jeans pant pockets.

16) In 75% of the high schools, Male absenteeism is at its peak just a day before Raksha bandhan.
The rest 25% schools are boys-only.

17) 93% of the 18-25 age group boys wear a super low waist jeans pant over a Jockey undergarment. So that even if they wear a Silk Kurta the label should show somehow.

18) 99.9% of the actors would never wear the undergarment brands they are endorsing.

19) 67% of the girls who are obese wear super tight tees and denim pants which are about to explode. (god knows why)

20) 81% of boys agreed to the fact that the first thing they do when they enter a coffee shop is to check whether any cute girl is sitting inside.

21) 87% of the people aged between 18-25 years mock at the alleged stupidity of the news items broad-casted by the Hindi news channels, 65% of the above youth have confessed watching those news items on a regular basis.

22) 87% of even the most liberal boys who see a girl on the pillion seat tightly clasping the male rider, use the words "indian culture", "tradition" and "girls character" in consecutive sentences.

99% of those boys would kill for being that male rider.

23) 73% of the people extremely detest those facebook users who claim to have an awesome time every five minutes, and they share this feeling every alternate day through their status msgs.

24) In 75% of the cases when there are 5 people to be dropped at their respective homes in a friend's car, then 90% of the passengers when starting from the same point, quicken their steps towards the front door to get that seat.

25) When boys thumb down messages on their cellphone while driving, 95% of those messages are intended for a female recipient.

26) 78% of the people who hang-up on escaping with saying "I'll call you later", never call back.

27) 2% of all times when a person looks in to the rear view mirror over his head, is for actually gauging the incoming traffic,

the rest :-

68% of the times checking out that hot female who's is this cousin of a friend, sitting in the back seat or may be the beauty behind the wheel driving right behind.
30% of the time showing his distaste through a cold stare to his friend for being coaxed into dropping some random tag-along bitchy female to the other end of the city.

Pick your top 3 and do tell me :) and do check out shashank fame gajabkhopdi's post for more of such viral stats.

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GBF interviews Shiny ahuja, exclusive!

After two rapes in quick succession which took the Indian media by storm, ( we are not gonna discuss about the first incident of rape involving the Indian cricket team) the GBF reporter has sprung back into action (he is the In house Garam bheja fry reporter for the uninitiated). Expectantly he decided to carry out a sting operation, hoping to unravel the truth or fallacy behind the latest episode which has made its way in to the list of the seven man-maid wonders of the world.

He decides to oil the paandus at the police chauki and interview Shiny himself. And so he masquerades as a representative of the Bai Association of India, in short BAI, (lo how convenient is that). Nevertheless the reporter assures Shiny that he'll give a fair chance for him to explain his cause. And later he adds that it'll be as fair sending Dhoni back to jharkhand.

Our reporter has this habit of mumbling words after he finishes sentences, whatever he mumbles is not clearly audible to the listener. All that he mumbles will be in italics.

And so the interview begins.

"Hi Mr. Ahuja, I am a representative of BAI and I assure you that this interview won't touch upon those baseless reports going around in the media like the one in which your wife says you are completely innocent"

"Ohh umm..yeah go on"

"Lets talk about the new movie you have signed, your own real life story "Life in a Metro, when wife in another metro".. How is the project coming along...??"

"Well not that smooth as one would expect...Date clashes with my other production in the pipeline "F*ck Baai chance" is delaying things up.."

"Recently reports of the new trend as known as "Casting (kitchen) Sink", where the maids in the homes of producers have been offered roles in exchange of...."

"In exchange of what?? " Shiny growls

"Err Umm In exchange of all the love, faithfulness and yeah all those pains she takes on most nights near the sofa and all this with her CONSENT isn't it??"

"Of course of course"

"Tell me Shiny, how did your love for these downtrodden, unfortunate un-educated hardworking poor little things grew over time"

He grows nostalgic "Aahh well, During my days of struggle in Mumbai, I once visited this uncle's place in Andheri, where I saw this girl wiping the dining table clean with a piece of cloth..mischief on her face..ooohh the way her back was.."

"*Cough* *Cough*"

"I mean.. her back was...bent due to effort, I felt really sorry for her, she nearly smiled when i wished my uncle "Good baai" *sigh*"

"Good old days"

*Sighs *"My little mer-maid"

"What??"

"*oops*...Umm wtf ask the next question! Quick!! I need to...umm... sleep"

"You do love these baais don't you??"

"What Love?? I respect them...they are noble women.."

"That explains your liking for Kangna ranaut.."

"Did u just say...?? "

"Umm...No No sir, never mind, would you like some tea sir? "

"No thanks"

"Fresh maid sir” winks twice to his inner self

"ok give me some"

the reporter speaks as he pours tea into the cup from his thermos

"Lets talk about something else, like what was your favourite subject at school?"

"Aah there you go again, you got me nostalgic today, My fav subject has always been Baailogy more so since that moronic teacher didn't teach us that chapter in our science textbook, which talked about as how to take precautions while raping ...Err I mean...that reproductive system mechanism. It even explained how to have kids and how NOT to have kids."

"Very fine Sir. Now lets get down to business, Your wife is screaming her lungs out in the public saying that you have been framed and all of it is a made up story"

"WHO said it's maid-up story, she never was up. All the time she was below me and I was over her, ....that stubborn bitch!!"

"Thanks for the confession sire, Wish you a very good Baai"

The GBF reporter scurries and he is panting while he types this last line. Adios!

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Govinda = Gov of India

Govinda = Gov of India

Believe me this post is gonna be more random than the title. After all "random matlab samajhdari" :P.

A lot has been happening on the personal front, A weeklong stay at home suite home, (Chuck the presidential suite, the "home suite" is in) Coming back to my office and finding myself ankle deep in work, being as useful as the F12 key on your keyboard. (kabhi dabaya hai?), then suddenly I was told to apply for Visa to a country in sub-Saharan Africa named Angola for a business travel spanning 6 weeks. A new project beckoned.

Now whenever you hear the name of any lesser known African country, The slide show which runs on your bheje ka projector is somewhat like of hungry black kids with swollen bellies with UNICEF aid nearby and if you have seen "Blood diamond" by any chance, then the picture is much scarier.

So when my boss did break in the news to me, I was in a "chhodiyaan todo" mode. It’s like going with Anti-Malaria shots in your ass and returning with bullet shots in your head. Then suddenly the prospect of an African Safari and a week long stay in Jo’burg was thrown in. I knew it was like an offer to scuba dive into your nearest sewage tank. I politely refused and had pity on that euphoric asshole who was chosen as my substitute. Travelling to the war torn nation is as unsafe as Harbhajan singh going for higher studies to Australia.

So I got myself shifted to a desi project, bole to ekdum dara singh ke kandhe pe baitha Praveen kumar jitna desi, which will take me to saaddi dilli. And as the visionary ascetic Anu baba puts it "east or west india is the best" and later he adds "between burma in the east and kabul in the west" but wo koi nahee sunta.

Then some days back I saw this blog crossing the 60,000 hits mark, I know people are losing jobs, some are on the verge of it and some are waiting to join their jobs to eventually lose it. enuff said.

Now this new kind of quiz is sweeping facebook :- "How well do you know Nigodee Salma?" and the likes.

And questions like

"what do I pick first in the morning : the toothbrush or the toothpaste",

"How much marks did i get in my 7th class 2nd mid term Social science paper?"

"What's my gmail password?"


With questions like these , people expect you to score a percentage high enough to get a call from IIM Ahemdabad. And if you have scored a shade less than the other runners, which in most cases you do, you have to issue this official apology."I am so sorry..buhuhu..the questions were tuf :((..aage se aisee galti nahee hogi...bhagwaan ke liye mujhe maaf kar do"


Apologize-forgive-apologize routine. I mean where are those good old quizzes which proclaimed you as the new Tom cruise with an IQ over 160 and told you'll be a bloody billionaire with the sense of humor comparable to that of chandler bing's.

And after you do create your own quiz, and when people whom you expect to score high, fail stupendously, it makes you more miserable. Why such Misery?. Last heard facebook was a fun place to be. Ab bhai koi shaadi thode hi kara rahe hai "ladka ladki ek doosre ko jaan le samajh le" quiz.

"Aree saleema tune Zunaid ka quiz bhar diya...bade haseen sawaalat likhe hai usne?"

"Nahee mujh nigody ko waqt kahaan milta hai, din bhar to wo paaji kaamran poke kiya phirta hai, ek aadh sawaal to bata?"

"Aise na bataaungi , pehle tumhe ye batana hoga ki imraan apni maashooka ko dekh kar kitni baar seeti bajata hai..Uff uss harzaai ne apne quiz me pucha hai?"

And so the gossip thickens. Facebook is as synonymous to quizzes as peshawar is to blasts. The time on the clock is 2:26 a.m. and its time to sleepofy. now doing some justice to the title of the post

Similarities between Govinda and Gov of india :-

Both are inflated these days.

Both don't care if your grandmother dies (mai to raste se ja raha tha, bhelpuri kha raha tha, teri naani mari to mai kya karu)

Ta!

P.S. : I'll start replying to the comments from now on. lets c what you have got. :)

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Indian Pop culture - I :UPDATE

Now just a few days back i stumbled upon this creative juice ki dukaan http://graphjam.com. it provides you with a tool, using which u can create graphs, pie charts and venn diagrams in lesser time than Usain bolt takes to reach the non-striker's end. Now if you are wasting time in grasping the previous pun, worry not even i dint get it, ab direct bilkul fast neeche dekhne kaa...

(Click on the image to enlarge)

I could have posted more of these, but since i am leaving for home this sunday. I am feeling naughty, restless and whole lot happier like a pakistani zoozoo Guhahaha! Gaaonwaalo, here i come!